Has anyone ever dated someone who cuts?

I have dated two women who were cutters. I have a hard time dealing with it. I understand many times it's a coping mechanism, but I feel like I always have to be on guard about what I say or do, especially if we get into a bad fight.

My g/f and I had a rough night. The majority of it was because of my own doing. She ended up cutting herself pretty badly. It's been about 5 months since she last cut. I feel guilty because I know I caused her grief, but she insists that she did it because of her and not because of me. No matter many times she tells me I can't stop tearing myself apart. I can barely talk to her without crying. Thinking about it also gets me upset.

Is there any way to get through this?

Break up with her. That's what I did with mine. There's also a rule that when we meet up every now and again, she can't cry or cut or I'll leave the situation and forget the friendship. Harsh it sounds, but if you knew this person, you'd know why it's that way between her and I. Life's worth more than constantly dealing with the trauma of someone that won't deal with it themselves.

She doesn't really cut anymore, so that's good too. She's not really made for relationships, I don't think. I'm not either, so I guess that made it more of a disaster.

Sex feels wrong with people with that much emotional turmoil anyway...and without that, they're just a mate.

My first gf cut in front of me and I couldn't deal with it or the psychological problems she was going through. That had a very negative effect on our relationship.

My current relationship is much more stable. There are times when it gets rough, but I'm very understanding of the moods and behaviors. I love her too much to let this one time tear us apart. My girlfriend is generally pretty stable, and doesn't cut unless under extreme circumstances. She has her coping mechanisms and I have mine. I'm sure if I had paid attention and gotten over my own feelings I would have understood the gravity of the situation.

I've tried getting past this. It was a learning experience and I can't do anything about the past. I can only hope to help her in the future and try my best to prevent it from happening again.

That is a looooong story. Maybe I just have that kind of luck? Let's just say they're friends, and somehow I got thrown into the mix.

Um.

These are deeply disturbed people -- emotionally, psychologically, or both -- even though they may present as lovely folk, and no doubt they are in many respects, ok? But you can't get past this and you can't help her. This is bigger than you, with no offense intended to your understanding nor beneficence. Her problems will take years to resolve even with a professional. Maybe.

Period.

Why you gravitate toward or even allow them once you do know? Well... you have, always, the opportunity to reflect on your own self.

Dont hate the messenger.

I am surprised at how closed minded some of these responses are. I'm a little disappointed, too.

When I first met these women I would say they were mentally unstable, but have since gotten the help they needed and continue to this day. I know my g/f is in a better state of mind and much more stable. I know I can't prevent any stressful situation which will make her want to cut, but you seem to severely underestimate the power of love and caring. Cutting is a coping mechanism. There isn't much you can do to prevent someone from cutting, just like there isn't much you can do to keep someone from drinking or whatever their coping mechanism may be after a stressful event.

But anyway - to each his own.

You are right, Squeeze.

And I apologize for referring to this board as closed-minded, and thank you for your input.

Note: I know this is months after the original posts, but I had some things to say.

Hey, Fuzzy,
I used to be a cutter. I cut for about three years and stopped when I was about sixteen. Looking back... it's hard to say because I was in high school, and everyone is nuts in high school... but I would not have dated high-school me. I probably would not have touched me with a ten-foot pole. I was a hot mess.

The root of my problems was my home life -- my mother had remarried and I hated the guy and there was other shit going on at home. I was also in a long, brutal, toxic relationship (the standard dysfunctional first lesbian relationship, times a hundred on the crazy. On both ends.), so once I got to college (out of the house and out of my relationship), literally within a week I was feeling happier than I'd felt in years. It could have been a fluke (and I mean that seriously -- I did have my ups and downs, but over months there was an upward trend), but by the end of my freshman year, I realized that I was still happy. My friends, and I had friends, described me as cheerful. I'd actually pretty much healed myself just by removing myself from the toxic living situation. But I am probably a special case.

I am probably not like your lady. But even if she has a more "permanent" issue that requires help and time, she can get better. Really. And you can help... a little bit, in your own little ways. Mostly by supporting her, loving her, being stable for her. If you're able to do that.

It is not your job to do this. I repeat. It is not your job. Don't let her (or yourself) think otherwise. If you care about her and really want to stay with her, you have the option of trying. It is hard. And it is not your responsibility.

Furthermore, you should not try to help her in larger ways (such as a therapist might provide) because you are not trained to do so, and further, because you are emotionally involved with her. You can be there for her, but do not think that you (or your love) can fix her. Love is wonderful, and it can potentially be a motivation for her to seek help and heal. But love itself cannot do the healing. It can't make deep-seated issues go away.

I am not trying to criticize you. I think it is admirable that you want to stay with her and are considering doing so and not just running away. I do think that you can be a source of support and love, but I also want you to be realistic. Most likely, you cannot be the only thing helping her get better. I know you said she's a lot better than she used to be, but she obviously has some unresolved issues. Confronting them is always hard. It will be hard for her. The best you can do is support her. Good luck with everything.